I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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