I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
