Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
You don't make any sense
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