that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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