Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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