She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
