after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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