i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
