Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
thus making me awesome and them whores
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
