i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
