Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
