i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
