I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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