Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The uberlube is also flammable
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
