Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
