she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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