my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
