Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
