don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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