Do you still have your period?
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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