I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
