i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
