i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
