I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My vagina just recognized that song.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
