Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
