Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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