Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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