so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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