i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
