she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
