I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
