I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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