he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
