my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
