Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
high people should be assigned attendants
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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