i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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