If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
