if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I think I sprained my soul last night
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
