I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
