Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
