so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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