i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
