You really coming over, don't trick.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
