The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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