just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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