Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
