How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
