Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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