Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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