At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You don't make any sense
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