The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
the liver wants what the liver wants
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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