I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
